I feel isolated, scared, and alone.
If I could just wait 16 hours I would be with the boy again and maybe everything would be okay. But the hands.. I can feel them. It’s flooding back. The flashbacks from what happened so many years ago. I don’t want this anymore. I want to wait and let it be soothed away in cuddles and schnapps and sunshine…
But I can’t. My anxiety is through the roof, I am curled up under my bed and drinking as much Gatorade as I can stomach in order to keep my hands off blades. I want to take some meds- knock myself out, but I know that’s not a fix, only a bandaid. And if we keep the bandaid in it gets infected. Gets worse
Someone make all this better. I don’t like ring depressed. I want to be better. I don’t want to keep living like this.