Call me Violet. I am 19 as of June 30 and I have autoimmune arthritis, ehlers-danlos syndrome (hyper mobility type), fibromyalgia, anxiety and depression. I am training a GSD Psych/Mobility Service dog. His name is Tecumseh. I am a recovering cutter and every day is a new challenge. Spare me the hate mail, because no one hates me as much as I do. Stay strong my lovelies - Fuck the Bucket . Clean For: JavaScript CountUp Timer - Praveen Lobo
Let Me Think About This...

It’s one thirty am.

I feel isolated, scared, and alone.
If I could just wait 16 hours I would be with the boy again and maybe everything would be okay. But the hands.. I can feel them. It’s flooding back. The flashbacks from what happened so many years ago. I don’t want this anymore. I want to wait and let it be soothed away in cuddles and schnapps and sunshine…

But I can’t. My anxiety is through the roof, I am curled up under my bed and drinking as much Gatorade as I can stomach in order to keep my hands off blades. I want to take some meds- knock myself out, but I know that’s not a fix, only a bandaid. And if we keep the bandaid in it gets infected. Gets worse

Someone make all this better. I don’t like ring depressed. I want to be better. I don’t want to keep living like this.

I have two IRL friends.

One in Utah and one in northern Oklahoma, over two hours away.

Plus an ex boyfriend I text once every few weeks. But I haven’t seen him since we broke up. But he doesn’t respond half the time and doesn’t count.

I feel so damn alone. I mean, I get to see the OK friend once a month and the other is my roommate during college. It’s depressing and isolating. This big city is scarily lonely.

My joints have started hurting again

To the point get I spend all day nauseous and can barely eat.
I don’t want to tell my rheumatologist. I don’t want to deal with it right now. I want to just continue the actemra and ignore the stiffness in my hands and the pain into spine. I just want to go to my next appointment smile and lie through my teeth.
I’m so sick of being sick.